Friday, March 7, 2014

Shakin' it Rough

 Being a prisoner is never easy, but just about anyone can survive the experience once they learn the ropes. There is a right way and a wrong way an inmate can do their time.
Once a person accepts the fact that that they’re locked up and there’s fuck all they can do about it, they’ll often achieve a sense of Zen-like calmness about their situation. It might seem like giving up, but it’s really not.
This passive acceptance is how a solid convict does his time.
Continually stressing out, pacing the range and constantly being on the phone whining to your wife or your mother or your lawyer is what inmates refer to as shakin’ it rough
Keeping a cool head and remaining calm can be especially hard for first-time prisoners. Most eventually realize that freaking out and stressing will accomplish nothing positive, in fact it'll only serve to make the time pass more slowly and agitate the other inmates on the range.
  The thing about jail is that there are always people in worse trouble than you are. Many guys are in custody for far more serious crimes and are either already sentenced to a long stretch or facing the possibility of  big jail time once they have their day in court.
You’re in for drug possession and can’t get anyone to sign your bail? Boo-fucking-hoo. The guy in the cell next to you is looking at ten to fifteen years for manslaughter.
Nobody wants to hear how you got fucked over by your lawyer or how your girlfriend is a rat because she called the cops on you for slapping her out.   
What do you think your mickey-mouse charges sound like to a guy who’s been convicted and jailed so often the crown attorney is making an application to have him classified as a Dangerous Offender? If the application is successful it means they don't ever have to let him out.
A solid con learns to be considerate of the people around him. 
An inmate who constantly shakes it rough can cause the other guys to shake it rough too. It can spread like a virus through the range and put everyone on edge, causing tensions to rise in an already stressful environment. It’s selfish, it’s disrespectful, and more importantly, it’s weak.
Everyone on the range has their own problems to deal with and nobody wants to hear about yours.
This is jail motherfucker, not the Dr. Phil Show.
There are several ways a whiner can be dealt with by other prisoners. Punching him out and ordering him to pack his shit and leave the range is always an option, but that only provides a few minutes of fun. Why not turn his pathetic self-pity into entertainment for the rest of the guys?
It’s a relatively simple concept. If a guy is constantly belly-aching about how he suspects his girlfriend is being unfaithful, yelling at her on the range telephone every day and punching the concrete wall, the inmates wait until after lock up when everything is quiet and the lights are low…and then someone starts with the questions.
Hey chum, you seem a little stressed tonight. I happened to overhear your phone call earlier. You think your old lady’s cheating on you?
Yeah man. Fuckin’ bitch.
That’s rough. Who’s she banging?
My best friend. He’s always wanted her. I know it.
Oh yeah? What’s your best friend’s name?
Kyle. He’s a fuckin’ goof.
Oh yeah? Well its ten o’clock, buddy. It’s Friday and she’s probably pretty lonely. Where do you suppose your girlfriend is right now?
I dunno.
Sure ya do bro. Come on.
Now the guys with the TV remote in their cell lower the volume. Other inmates who were quietly murmuring in the other cages stop talking too. Everyone’s listening.
How does it feel chum? How does it feel sitting in here helpless while your old lady is out getting piped by your street-partner? That’s just gotta suck. Man, I’d be losing my shit. What’s his name again?
And then a few of the other guys who've had enough of seeing this annoying bastard on the phone each and every day, listening to him yell and scream at his girlfriend and watching him smash the phone receiver off the bars in fits of jealous rage…they get off their bunks and walk to the bars at the front of their cages and join in on the fun.
His name is Kyle, someone says from a few cells down. But come on dude. Can’t you see this guy is suffering? Quit being an asshole. I’m sure his girlfriend is at home tonight.
The whiner is on his feet now too, standing at the door to his cell with both hands wrapped so tightly around the bars that his knuckles are white. He’s relieved that at least someone can sympathize with his situation.
Thanks, he says. She’s all I can fuckin’ think about. It’s driving me nuts.
Sure man. Don’t stress it bro. Like I said, I’m sure your old lady's at home tonight…..GETTING BANGED IN HER EVERY HOLE BY YOUR BEST BUDDY KYLE!”
And the taunting goes on until the whiner is losing his marbles, banging on the walls of his cell, calling the other prisoners a bunch of goofs and challenging half the range to fight. 
His impotent rage only makes the guys razz him harder.
I bet your friend Kyle is kickin' back on your sofa right about now, watching your television while your girlfriend blows him! He's probably wearing your housecoat and slippers!
It’s easy to be a tough guy when everyone’s locked in their cells and there is no possibility of a physical confrontation. Sometime later when things quiet down and the jilted boyfriend realizes the cells will be open at 8:30am, he calls to the guard on duty when hears his footsteps coming down the walkway. He quietly explains to the officer that he fears for his safety and can’t stay on the range a minute longer.
The C.O. frowns and shakes his head because the transfer of a prisoner requires the necessary paperwork, and that means he’s actually gotta do his job. When a prisoner expresses a genuine concern for his safety, he must be removed from the situation immediately. That was jail policy.
The next morning when the cell doors crack the prisoners grab their trays and sit down to eat breakfast in silence. Everyone notices the whiner’s cell is vacant, but nobody says anything.
They just enjoy the quiet.

March 7, 2014

1 comment:

  1. Lol, funny story. Enjoyed that write up ����